my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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