I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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