I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
