You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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