You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
