I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
