just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
