Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
