Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
