I'm so fucking centered right now
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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