how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
