Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
