pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
