woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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