My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
