I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
