She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
