I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
