Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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