I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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