i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I want her autograph on my taint
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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