we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
