I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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