It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Randomize
