I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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