Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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