Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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