Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
