In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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