The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
