return my video game
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
