I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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