the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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