she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
