There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I can tuck mytits in my pants
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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