So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
