Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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