____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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