god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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