I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
