Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Randomize