i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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