I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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