He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Randomize
