Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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