My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
