I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
