Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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