Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
There's a naked man in my car right now.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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