final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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