Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
