yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
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