dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Still dying that you shit outside
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize