i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
