You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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