He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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