Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
