so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
