so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
