i need an iv and a liver transplant
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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