the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
