im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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