I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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